Friday, April 25, 2008
The Unknowns and God's Sovereignty
I have had to face some frightening facts...there are many unknowns with international adoption. I have always known this and talked about it, but just in the last few days my eyes have been opened to some real situations that frankly scare me...a lot. I have known about these things, but sometimes it just becomes more real. I think this process for me has been a gradual letting go of what I want and think I need to see that God is simply wanting me to trust Him to a greater extent than I ever have. I like control and letting go of that control is frightening to me.The internet can be a good thing...God has truly blessed me through many I have met from having this blog. I have been challenged spiritually from so much online--it has been really good for me. I love having access to John MacArthur sermons....John Piper's wise words...and the Mahaney women's helpful biblical advice and wisdom...but it can also be more information than we need. I found this out the other day which led to my last post on doubting this adoption.
I went to a referred link for a China based blog that told real stories from people home from China. The stories were about serious struggles that have gone in the area of attachment. I realize these problems do occur and I need to be prepared for whatever God has for us, but the fear factor kicked in and I became panicky about our decision to adopt. I even briefly thought that we should quit. Through this whole process, nothing has hit me as hard as this did. I became unsure...I began to tell God that I can not do what these other families have had to do to take care of a child that needs so much. I am not qualified to deal with these kinds of deep seated emotional issues. How can I have time with 4 other children, homeschooling...living far from my church with little help from friends and family? What would we do if this child is emotionally disturbed and unable to attach to us? How would this affect the rest of our family? Could I handle this? Would my other children suffer because of our decision to adopt?
In all of this, I began to doubt God and His sovereignty. Does God really know what is best? Sometimes, I think I know better than God. Isn't that just so typical of our human nature and selfish thinking? I cried out to God to allow our child to be loved while in China...I asked the Lord to give her the ability to love and attach to someone there. That would prepare her heart to attach to us. I prayed that things would go smoothly...easy...I selfishly gave God my *please do this for me* list. Although all of these things are fine to pray for, I realized the motive of my heart.
I had to ask God to forgive me for not trusting Him in all of this. I was denying His sovereignty. Afterall, if I truly know that he orchestrates everything, sees everything, brings about what glorifies Himself...then I must know and believe that He knows what is best for my husband and I, Lydia, and the rest of our family. I can not control this...and that is exactly where God wants me to be...acknowledging that I can't control these events and then deciding in my heart that I won't even try.
The Truth in all of this:
1) We must be submissive to a Holy God who is sovereign over everything that happens in this world.
2) Knowing that my times are in His hands. Not just knowing this truth, but actually believing that this is best for me and being okay with whatever that is.
3) Our sinful fear and worry can be used by God to help us see our need for Him.
4) God is always ready to forgive us and restore us by His grace to rightful thinking.
5) When I am afraid, I will trust in God. He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble...He is my stronghold and He will keep me secure in the midst of questioning and doubt. He is the faithful One and my faith is a gift from God.
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of his will. Ephesians 1:11
The decrees of God are his eternal plan, based on the purpose of His will, by which, for His own glory, He has foreordained everything that happens. The Westminster Shorter Catechism in Modern English, Q. 7
Sovereign Ruler of the skies,
Ever gracious, ever wise,
All my times are in thy hand,
All of events at thy command.
His decree who formed the earth
Fixed my first and second birth;
Parents, native place, and time
All appointed were by him.
He that formed in the womb,
He shall guide me to the tomb;
All my times shall ever be
Ordered by his wise decree.
Times of sickness, times of health,
Times of penury and wealth;
Times of trial and of grief,
Times of triumph and relief;
Times the tempter’s power to prove,
Times to test the Savior’s love;
All must come, and last, and end
As shall please my heavenly friend.
Plagues and death around me fly;
Till he bids, I cannot die.
Nor a single shaft can hit,
Till the love of God sees fit.
John Ryland (1753-1825)
I am a stay at home mother to 4. I am very blessed to have a godly husband who loves the Lord and his family. I welcome the days of much needed grace,the times of sweet victories,and the tears of trials,knowing it is all for God's glory. I want my lifesong to sing to Him,the author and finisher of my faith. Soli Deo Gloria--To the Glory of God alone.
16 Comments:
Kim~
Bless your sweet heart for sharing so openly and honestly about your worries and fears.
This morning, as I was meditating on God's word he lead me to one of my devotional books. As I read the devotional, the Lord laid you on my heart. And then, when I stop by today and read your post...I received confirmation that God wanted me to share the devotional thought.
"Make Me Your Focal Point....as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point, to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to ME. Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to FIX YOUR EYES ON ME, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in my Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure."
Psalms 102:27 says, (NLT)
"But you remain the same, and your years will never end."
Devotional by Sarah Young...Jesus Calling.
God will give you perfect peace and wisdom as you and your precious family walk this road to adoption. Remember, God will NEVER lead you, where his grace will not keep you.
Prayerfully,
Kim~
Rom 15:5 " For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perserverance and the encouragement of the scriptures, we might have hope."
All we need is found in the Word of God for life and Godliness. And many times when I am fearful, discouraged or afriad, I need to press into study and meditation of the Word, to receive that hope.
We have been blessed with our first daughter from China, who was, for the first year, a velcro baby. We miraculously watched the Lord heal her little heart one fear at a time. He gave us wisdom to help her heal, and we grew tremendously through those days.
We now have our sweet Gianna who needs 68, yes 68 surgeries in the next 15 years. God clearly and miraculously showed us that He gave us this little gift, and we have to trust Him.
I am scared. Scared of what our life will be like when we begin these surgeries this summer, scared of losing her, of the pain she will endure...
But then I refresh myself in the water of God's Word, and renew my mind to His promises and truths, and I know that whatever we have to face, I KNOW His grace will be sufficent, that He is made perfect in my weakness, and that through the hard times of life, we see the most spiritual growth.
And I say refine me Lord...
Thank you for sharing your fears so openly. May God be glorified in your humility.
Good for you--disciplining yourself to think on what is TRUE, not what 'may or may not' happen! :-)
I know it's challenging sometimes as it relates to international adoption, and I do agree you should be informed. But more than ANYTHING I know that the same God who has called us also equips us.
Just like marriage, parenting is one of God's greatest tools in our sanctification process!
You might be interested to visit the blog I co-host (www.adoption316.wordpress.com) with another Christian mother of internationally adopted children. It is our desire to help point other Christian adoptive families to Biblical counsel as it pertains to raising our adopted children--the blessings and the challenges, but most of all His matchless grace!
Kim,
This entire week the words of Proverbs 3:5-6 have echoed daily in my mind. They have been helpful to me as we try to conceive and build a business, and they have been true for many of my family members and care group friends this week. It is such a blessing to know that God's word speaks clearly to our lives and is always truth. We will continue to pray for you and your family (especially Lydia!), that the Bible's words of truth will be echoing in your mind throughout this process.
Thank you for sharing!
God Bless!
Leigh
Kim,
Thank you so much for you wise words and example of faith. I understand so much your struggle with wanting to control and, at times, doubting the fact that God knows what is for our good. I have experience the "panicky" feeling that you described. Thank you for being an encouragement and an example of what to do when those fears/worries appear. I will pray that God will give your heart peace as you wait on your sweet Lydia.
It takes a lot of courage to admit to that. As humans, we often think that we know what's best over God. How often I doubt God's master plan for my life. Thank you for sharing that today.
thank you for your honesty here...i will be praying for you.
Kim:
I'm catching up on your blog after a little blogging break for the last month. I'm so touched by what you shared today. I really don't know anyone who hasn't gone into a foreign adoption without some fear and doubt. I had fear right up until the day we received the picture of Sarah. Tomorrow it will be two years since referral day, and I can't believe how much she has blessed our lives! She truly is a gift from God, and I never could have imagined His plan for us turning out this way. His plans always far exceed what we could ever imagine or hope for. I'll be praying for you during this long wait!
Kim,
That is one of my most favorite songs...it is my airplane song :) The Lord uses that to calm me too. I have your name on my refrigerator white board...I pray for you and will continue.
I'm catching up on your blog. One of my best friend's log in date is just a month after yours. I will begin praying for you as I pray for her. May the Lord bear much fruit in you during this wait.
Praise God for His sweet tenderness and mercies to you, friend! He quickly brought you to a place of repentance, it seems!!! Our whole sermon was on 2 Samuel 24 this morning - where Samuel is trusting in the number of fighting men he has and not the Lord. It was so good!!! And very convicting - what am I trusting in?? There's always a temptation to place my trust elswhere - I feel it continually!
May the Lord give you a sweet overflowing peace in His faithfulness and His purposes!
Your concerns and doubts may be from God. Discernment isn't a simple matter. Sometimes we start on one path that we think is God's will but we find out that no, God has something else in mind for us. Pray. Listen. If something keeps coming up again and again, pay attention. Bless you.
I appreciate you sharing your heart Kim and being so transparent. This post is a huge enouragement to me. Thanks so much. I am praying for you, my new friend. ;)
Hi Kim -
I am new here. I have two boys; our first son was adopted from Russia and our second son was adopted from Kazakhstan. They are 3.5 and almost 2. Both our adoption stories are a testament to Gods unending love and looking back we can see His footprints all over them. Our first adoption God used to wake me up, get my attention to trust in Him. I was led to Christ during our difficulties. Our second adoption was just as difficult but for different reasons and was used to reconfirm my faith in Him.
We have been blessed beyond belief that only one of our sons had some mild attachment issues as of now. He led me to my beautiful sons and I will never question His will again. We would do it all over again.
I can't wait to keep following your journey. International Adoption truly is a gift from the Lord. You will be forever changed.
~Nash
Kim-
I have been reading your blog for a long time- at least a year, but have never really commented. I am a mom who has two biological children and will be "dossier to China" this Friday for our next child. And I absolutely understand where you have been- even throughout the paperwork phase, we have doubted and faltered. I could have written your post verbatim as my own. Between the ever-lengthening wait, attachment issues, and all the other variables, it is hard to not focus on your circumstances for sure. I truly appreciate that you would be so transparent to admit that you do have doubts. Sometimes I read blogs of adoptive parents, and I never see any posts like that, and I wonder what is wrong with me? Why do I doubt sometimes (short of my lack of faith)?
When I mentioned my doubting at our Women of the Word Bible study, one woman suggested I was being like the spies sent into the promised land who saw only the giants. And I am. When I doubt, I have my eyes fixed on the giants of this journey of adoption and not on the God who can bring us into the "promised land" in spite of the giants.
I keep two verses next to my computer so that I can always be reminded that I do not need to worry (indeed, you are so right- it is sinful!)
The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I do not rebel or turn away......Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do His will. And I know that I will triumph. Isaiah 50:5,7
And why do I know that I will triumph? Because of me? NO, surely not. Because of 1 Thessalonians 5:24-
Faithful is He who calls you, and He will also bring it to pass.
I know what you are going through, you are not alone for sure. I also think it is GOOD in some ways to be scared by the facts that could possibly be- it drives us to prepare for the worst circumstance knowing that most, likely, we won't have to face it.
I will be praying for you! I enjoy your blog so much. I must have missed the post about the blog becoming private, but I certainly would miss it!
Thank you, again, for your transparency, and for your God-honoring blog!
Blessings,
Jenna
Hi Kim!
I am definitely relate to this post. However, I HAD to read all the bad stories. I'm one who likes to prepare for "worst case scenario", well, just in case. I prepare for the worst and hope for the best... all the while reminding myself that God has put me precisely where He wants me. All for His glory.
Should any problems arise, you will handle it just like you would your biological children- with His grace and strength. :)
We took all necessary precautions to make sure that Elizabeth would securely attach to my husband and myself. People thought we were weird. People thought we were waaaaaayyy over protective. But we didn't care. We knew that the Lord entrusted us with a special gift and we wanted to make sure that this gift was healthy and whole.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Your time will be coming soon!! Don't lose heart! Your little one will be waiting on her mommy to take her home!!
His,
Mrs. U
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