Thursday, December 08, 2011
Adoption Heartbreak and God's Sovereignty Over My Life
It is with a heavy heart that I type this and share with you that we have decided, after much prayer and many difficult conversations, to not proceed with our China adoption.
Hopefully I can explain the whys...
First of all, we recieved a call from our agency last week explaining to us what we needed to do to proceed with our adoption. They were contacting us now, because they were needing to let everyone with our log in date know what steps need to be taken because we are getting "closer". This means 8-12 months from a referral. Because the adoption is under new laws and regalations since we began, we would have to redo a lot of the paper work, do a new homestudy, file new fingerprints, and new medical tests. We knew we would have to update some things to continue, but we had no idea the true extent of money that would be needed to do the things we had already paid for to do early in the process.
When we began the adoption process, the wait was 12-18 months, which was great...then it started to get longer and was 2 years, which we were still fine with...but as the wait grew and grew over the years, we became unsure as to what to do. We looked into special needs, because that type of adoption moves more quickly. And even though there are many "special needs" that are not that severe, we were not sure that this would be God's plan for us. At the time of praying about this, my dad was suffering with Alzheimers and eventually passed away. My mother was his main caretaker and that was a difficult time for our family. We felt somewhat concerned with a special needs child at the time with the things going on that we needed to take care of first. So, we did not switch to special needs like so many other families did.
God gave us a desire to adopt...I am sure of that. Why? I do not know. I have thought through that a lot over the almost 6 years of waiting...maybe it was to encourage another family to adopt...maybe the whole process was to make us trust God more and see Him faithful, even in the face of disappointment....maybe it was to teach us patience...the list could go on and on of my guesses. What I do know and trust is that God is sovereign over every detail of my life. I can rejoice in that!
God is good, even in the face of deep disappointments. God's grace is sufficient for everything I will face in this life.
So, you may be thinking...why, if you are so much closer now, are you not going to go through with it?
It really comes down to the length of the wait and the extra money still needed to proceed.
So many things have changed since we began...we have one daughter in college, another who is a new driver, more expenses involved with both of those things. We have had some pretty major household things that have come up which have been a great costs to us. The idea of coming up with the money still needed would be extremely difficult at this point. Also, I am 43, but Mike is almost nine years older than me. Not that age is a major factor, but it is something to consider when adopting a baby. We have thought through so many different aspects of this. It has been a gradual decision for us and it seems that Mike and I have seen this coming.
It is a sad time for us. Even though I have known this was probably going to be our decision, it seems harder now that it is becoming official. I think about all of the work and excitement that went into completing our dossier...all the excitement over the thought of a new child to love, the excitement and joy of adopting a child from a country that has little knowledge of the gospel of Christ, and seeing how excited and expectant our children were over a new sister to love...it all comes back to me and it makes me sad.
But, I do trust that God had a plan in all of this. I want my dreams to be God's will for me, not just my desires.
God has been so kind to give us contentment in this. I can not explain it in human capabilities...because with as excited as we were to do this in the beginning, I never would have thought that I would or could give up on such a sweet dream of mine. My mind and heart was set on doing this and I could not wait to have my daughter in my arms. God's grace covers all of that---somehow. This is not me, but the Lord working in my heart. In my human selfishness, I would be kicking and screaming...not willing to let go. But, God in His kindness, has given Mike and I both a trust in His sovereignty through our disappointment. Blessed be the name of the Lord---He gives and takes away, still I will bless His name.
I am a stay at home mother to 4. I am very blessed to have a godly husband who loves the Lord and his family. I welcome the days of much needed grace,the times of sweet victories,and the tears of trials,knowing it is all for God's glory. I want my lifesong to sing to Him,the author and finisher of my faith. Soli Deo Gloria--To the Glory of God alone.
15 Comments:
Wow!!! I CANNOT believe that just moments ago I thought I'd check your blog since I haven't checked it maybe since March when you last posted. I have kept up with you on FB at times, but just now I clicked and here, THIS Very day...you posted something very power-filled in your life. I'm so glad I clicked. Must have been a Divine Clickment. ; )
I will pray for you and the peace that is there in your heart and more to come. It is a huge, huge heartbreak. Our entire adoption has been one heartbreak/struggle after another, but it has also been filled with blessing. We are still in the big fat middle of it with this 2nd child.
Thanks for sharing and for being real!!! Much love and blessings your way!!
Thank you, Jana! I appreciate your prayers so much!
I know this has been a very difficult decision but I also believe with all of my heart that God has and will use this experience for the greater good! Thank you for sharing your heart. Much love!
:) Melanie
Bless you, I know it's hard. I think you are wise.
Praying for you and your family Kim! God does work ALL things out for his good....sometimes we may not understand the whys...and the wherefores...BUT...we do know that God LOVES us...and his goodness is forever.
Praying for you all as you walk this road of grieving...and disappointment.
<3 ya.
Kim~
Kim, I can relate to your feelings in a very personal way. Our journey was very similar. I still wrestle with why God would put the desire in our hearts if it wasn't his will for us. Thank you for the update.
Hi Kim! I am so sorry that you have had to go thru such a long process and to just know that God laid it on your heart to adopt and then you do all you can, but at the end of it there is still no baby! The awesomeness of all of it is that your trust in our Lord and your praises to HIM are amazing. It is truely awesome to read of such disappointment but at the same time all these praises to God and all of this trust in Him. You are so grounded in His word and it shows in you as you have gone on a journey that God has lead you on, and you went on it with a blind faith and then BAM, the ending wasn't what you expected. But isn't it great that HE has written His truths on your heart so that you can know that for now there are no understandings and no reall answers as to why He had you go thru this but you do know that He does all things for your good, you do know that our trials are sometimes His mercies in disguise, and you do know that even though you may never get the answers on this side of heaven it doesn't really matter because He is leading you so you can't possibly be on the wrong path. Isn't it great to be able to have peace even in the midst of a trial!! Thank you Kim for sharing your amazing journey of blind faith.
Thank you, Torrie...How sweet! Yes, it is a relief to know He is the one doing everything for my good and His glory.
Kim, you're such a blessing to me. In the face of joys or tribulations, you are such an inspiration to me and others. May God continue to bless you and Mike and your family with His precious peace that surpasses ALL understanding.
Kim, I read this on my iphone over the weekend but wanted to get a chance to sit at the computer and post a proper comment. I have been thinking a lot about you and your family lately as I knew your LID was approaching, thank you for sharing your story here. Your steadfast faith in God and His plans is such a strong testimony and I pray that God would honor you and your family in all this. It must have been a real heart-wrenching decision, that I know took a lot of prayer, thought and I am sure also tears.
I will continue to pray for you and your family through this time, Kim. I can only imagine all of the ups and downs this journey has brought. I've been reading your blog almost since the beginning and would like to say that YOU have blessed me many times with our email and comment exchanges over these years. I know that is minor compared to the joys an adoption would bring, but I love how God leaves blessings not even intended.
Kim, I haven't checked your blog in a while since you haven't been spending time here, but a friend told me they had read an adoption update here. So here I am tonight, reading your sad news. I am sorry, friend. I know this has been on your heart for a while now. Your eyes to see God's hand in it all is encouraging to read. Thank you for sharing your sadness and your faith with us. I will continue to pray for you as you settle into this and rest in His arms.
One more thing.....I LOVE having Abigail this year. She is such a joy in small group! What a blessing!
I have followed you since your journey began and popped in to check. We are with your agency. I am sorry.
I have learned so much from the simple beauty of your faith in Jesus. I do hope you will continue to blog and share His will for you.
Your Plano Fan!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us all, Kim. You would think it would be easy to learn to expect the unexpected with the way our God writes so many of His children's stories, but I know it is not easy for any of us. May He continue to bless your family in other ways and use you for His glory as you follow the path laid before you.
God has something else in mind for you. Prayers for your discernment.
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