Monday, November 27, 2006
Preparing Your Child for Marriage
The idea for this post came from Kelly's comments on one of my hiking posts. It stirred some thoughts I have on this topic and made me remember this book. Thanks,Kelly,for reminding me to revisit this. As my oldest daughters are now 14 and 12,it is something very important to us! Have some of you read *The Homeschooling Father* by Michael Farris? It is a practical, helpful book for fathers,whether you homeschool or not. We have a few of their books,this one,and *A Mom Just Like You* by his wife are both excellent. They are not theological books,but just ones of encouragement...especially if you homeschool. One of the practical aspects of *The Homeschooling Father* that we like is a list that the Farris's oldest daughter made with his wife,Vickie and another sister. It is called character qualities for my future husband. We used this list years ago to encourage our 2 oldest daughters to begin working on their list. Our oldest was 8 and the next one was 6....that is young,I know,but we are certain they see the importance of courtship and future marriage since we have had many discussions about it starting when they were very young. We have helped them with their list along the way. Some of the things on their list are *must be* kind of things...others are things they should see him working on. Their list have changed over the years,but that is okay....some things gain greater importance as they get older. We love to see their thought process on this and how it changes and matures over the years!
Some other good books or audio books on this topic are *Her Hand in Marriage* by Doug Wilson and *How to Evaluate a Suitor*(we have this on audio) by Doug Phillips. We,also like Josh Harris' books. I'm sure there are others,but these have been the most helpful.
I was going to post some of their list on my blog ,but after talking with Gracie and Abigail,we decided these were very personal to just be shared with us. I have decided,though, to post The Farris's daughter's list. There are a lot of similarities in my girl's list and this one....so you will get the idea. Let me know if some of you have done similar things....I can not think of anything much more important than our girls marrying godly young men.
The book states 2 courtship principles:
1)Courtship should wait until one is ready for marriage. (this mainly has to do with financial management for the husband)
2)I will not consider any person for courtship unless he or she meets the spiritual standards I have established together with my parents.
Here is the list:
1)He must be a born again Christian,able to give testimony to his salvation.
2)He should be patient
3)He should be kind
4)He should not be envious
5)He should be humble
6)He should not be easily angered
7)He should not hold a grudge
8)He should not delight in evil
9)He should rejoice with the Truth
10)He must be a protector
11)He should be trusting
12)He should have hope
13)He must persevere
14)He should be loving
15)He should be joyful
16)He should be good
17)He should be peaceful
18)He should be faithful
19)He should be gentle
20)He must have self control
21)He must be a hard worker
22)He must love the Lord with all of his heart,soul,mind,and body
23)He should walk in God's ways
24)He must hold fast to the Lord
25)He should not worry,but turn to God in prayer
26)He should press onward toward the goal
27)He should build others up with his words
28)He must not have a hint of immorality or impurity
29)He must not joke coarsely or say inappropriate things
30)He must not be greedy
31)He must not be yoked with unbelievers
32)He should be the salt of the earth and light of the world and obey the great commission
33)He must like children and see them as a blessing
34)He must be committed to attending church regularly
35)He should keep his priorities straight
36)He must have a sense of humor
37)Mom and Dad must like him and approve of him
38)He must be prepared to support a family
39)He must be prepared to be the spiritual leader of his home
40)He must be committed to staying out of debt
41)He must be open to homeschooling
42)He must have some kind of musical ability(this is her preference)
43)He must be attractive to me
44)He must have daily quiet times with the Lord
We all know Jesus is the only perfect man,but this is is a list of standards,instead of just saying *well,he is cute and funny. I like him.* Ughhh....
Our girls will be in a courtship type relationship. We decided this a long time ago. My husband will be having many conversations with any young man interested in *courting* our daughters. Plus,we plan on doing lots together as a family.
A Courtship is *A steady building of a relationship,starting with friendship,under the guidance and protection of trusted adults....the goal is to get to know the person of the opposite sex and to determine if there exist the kind of long term depth of compatibility that could lead to a marriage commitment.* From the Dear Elsie book--author Beverly Elliott.
Some other good books or audio books on this topic are *Her Hand in Marriage* by Doug Wilson and *How to Evaluate a Suitor*(we have this on audio) by Doug Phillips. We,also like Josh Harris' books. I'm sure there are others,but these have been the most helpful.
I was going to post some of their list on my blog ,but after talking with Gracie and Abigail,we decided these were very personal to just be shared with us. I have decided,though, to post The Farris's daughter's list. There are a lot of similarities in my girl's list and this one....so you will get the idea. Let me know if some of you have done similar things....I can not think of anything much more important than our girls marrying godly young men.
The book states 2 courtship principles:
1)Courtship should wait until one is ready for marriage. (this mainly has to do with financial management for the husband)
2)I will not consider any person for courtship unless he or she meets the spiritual standards I have established together with my parents.
Here is the list:
1)He must be a born again Christian,able to give testimony to his salvation.
2)He should be patient
3)He should be kind
4)He should not be envious
5)He should be humble
6)He should not be easily angered
7)He should not hold a grudge
8)He should not delight in evil
9)He should rejoice with the Truth
10)He must be a protector
11)He should be trusting
12)He should have hope
13)He must persevere
14)He should be loving
15)He should be joyful
16)He should be good
17)He should be peaceful
18)He should be faithful
19)He should be gentle
20)He must have self control
21)He must be a hard worker
22)He must love the Lord with all of his heart,soul,mind,and body
23)He should walk in God's ways
24)He must hold fast to the Lord
25)He should not worry,but turn to God in prayer
26)He should press onward toward the goal
27)He should build others up with his words
28)He must not have a hint of immorality or impurity
29)He must not joke coarsely or say inappropriate things
30)He must not be greedy
31)He must not be yoked with unbelievers
32)He should be the salt of the earth and light of the world and obey the great commission
33)He must like children and see them as a blessing
34)He must be committed to attending church regularly
35)He should keep his priorities straight
36)He must have a sense of humor
37)Mom and Dad must like him and approve of him
38)He must be prepared to support a family
39)He must be prepared to be the spiritual leader of his home
40)He must be committed to staying out of debt
41)He must be open to homeschooling
42)He must have some kind of musical ability(this is her preference)
43)He must be attractive to me
44)He must have daily quiet times with the Lord
We all know Jesus is the only perfect man,but this is is a list of standards,instead of just saying *well,he is cute and funny. I like him.* Ughhh....
Our girls will be in a courtship type relationship. We decided this a long time ago. My husband will be having many conversations with any young man interested in *courting* our daughters. Plus,we plan on doing lots together as a family.
A Courtship is *A steady building of a relationship,starting with friendship,under the guidance and protection of trusted adults....the goal is to get to know the person of the opposite sex and to determine if there exist the kind of long term depth of compatibility that could lead to a marriage commitment.* From the Dear Elsie book--author Beverly Elliott.
Labels: parenting
I am a stay at home mother to 4. I am very blessed to have a godly husband who loves the Lord and his family. I welcome the days of much needed grace,the times of sweet victories,and the tears of trials,knowing it is all for God's glory. I want my lifesong to sing to Him,the author and finisher of my faith. Soli Deo Gloria--To the Glory of God alone.
15 Comments:
One thing I do with my grandchildren is 'pray for their spouse to be'...they love it...I sometimes think it opens the doors for them to think about what their life might be one day...~
This all sounds very wonderful to me. Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot goes along with all of this. It was the book that sort of outlined my desire for my husband and marriage. I read it at 13, and then again in college. I always knew I wanted my marriage to be a threesome - my husband, myself, and our Lord. And, I think alot of my thinking about who I wanted my husband to be came from this book.
I haven't read the ones you mentioned. But, I would like to. I don't have daughters, but I do have sweet sons. And, I am trying to figure out my role in preparing them for dating and marriage (got any books on that?). I realize my guys are 3 and under, but I am one of those "always thinking way ahead" types of people!! I began researching homeschooling, etc. before Joshua turned one!! Sad to say, but with the renovation and all, I am seriously failing him as his preschool teacher!! But, I am loving him and teaching him bit by bit as we go. . . Thanks for the recomendations. And, I hope that you like the creamer!!!! If you don't I feel like I should reimburse you or something!! :-)
You know I have been a Christian for 20 some odd years and I had not heard of the courtship way of getting to know each other until a year or so ago. I wish there had been more teaching on this within the church, even in parenting classes. Our daughters are now almost 17 and 12 and although we have talked to them since they were little about the subject of dating and waiting I wished now I would have had information on courtship so I could have got that deep down within them also.
I love the list. As the Mom of a 15 year old daughter these things are continually a topic of conversation. I will never forget the look on her face one day when I asked her if she planned to marry in the next couple of years or so...she told me strongly, NO! Well, I said, why worry about dating! She made the connection and it was priceless. Thanks for keeping the faith and helping build the next generation!
I am so thrilled that you posted this! My girls are 11 & 9 and I was sharing with friends the other day about how the foundation for courting should be laid very early. Our prayer is that we lay such a firm foundation that our girls wouldn't want it any other way!
Another excellant book is "And the Bride wore white". I am currently reading "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris. My 15 year old daughter has made a list. We will continue to review it as she gets older.
I agree with Susanne I would love to see this taught in the church more.
Chris,
Thanks for the book rec.
Some other books we have liked are Her hand in marriage by Doug Wilson and How to Evaluate a Suitor(on audio) by Doug Phillips. We like Josh Harris books,too.
Erin,I have ordered our oldest daughter Elizabeth Elliot's book *Passion and Purity* for Christmas. I'm glad to hear it helped you. I love Elizabeth Elliot-she is so wise!
Kim, Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I need to print it out so I can read it again when I'm not so tired.
How old were your girls when you started talking with them about courtship? Have they read Joshua Harris' books?
I wanted to get my Libbyline "And the Bride Wore White" soon, but I haven't been sure when to approach the whole idea of courtship -- other than in passing conversation. She is 11 and Sweetcheeks is 8 going on 18.
I'd love to continue a discussion on this topic. I totally agree it is an area sadly lacking in most churches.
Thank you for sharing this. I have read "A Mom Just Like You," but had not been aware of "The Homeschooling Father." The list is something that I believe that we will begin with our children, so the Farris' list was a great place to start--very helpful post!
I also love "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot. I recommend it to all the female college students I work with.
I had friends from college who went through a courtship process, and shared their first kiss on their wedding day-beautiful!
Don't feel like it's too late, Suzanne. While my parents taught me this philosophy, my husband learned it on his own after years of dating relationships. Just teach your girls that God has the right one for them and He's not going to keep that a secret. If they can ask God to guide them in every other area, why not this one?
And I always ask girls, which is more valuable your body or your heart? Both are valuable, and just as you would not give your body away to anyone before marriage, you should also guard your heart and keep it whole for the one it was intended for.
Just my own philosophy. My husband was my first love and my first kiss.
Alicia,
Beautifully said! Thank you for that short testimony of God's guidance in you and Brian! I agree 100%! What a great example your words are to me!
Kelly,
Their list is a great starting point--it helped guide us and motivated us to even start it.
Peach,
We began the discussion at 8 and 6 with our 2 oldest. My 8 year old(now 14)clung to every word we said and now has a list of 50 or so qualifications for courtship. My now 12 year old covered her ears at 6 and said,I don't want to get married yet!(ha!) We obviously stepped back and became sensitive to it being a tad early....she still at 12 does not enjoy talking about it,but we began more intensely discussing it at 9 with her. She is still very innocent and childish in many ways....so every child is different! They both know lots about it and could probably teach other girls about courtship. We have even begun praying with Evie93 1/2) about her future husband...we pray he will be just like daddy...she always just smiles!
Kim, what a great post. It is so good to plan ahead on things like this like you have done with your girls. As a teenager I had a similiar list (we called it the Proverbs 32 list!!). It is so important, thanks for sharing this.
I also remember reading Passion and Purity a long time ago and benefiting from it.
Thanks for listing all your favorite books regarding courtship and marriage. We have two daughters, and hubby and I have talked about this a lot. I haven't read any of the books you listed. I'll have to check them out.
This is awesome! Even though my girls are young, I think of this often and we are on the same page with you all. I should go ahead and get the books now (at least the one by Doug Phillips because I just got and email that Vision Forum was having their free shipping for one more day - hooray!). I'm with Peach - printing this out and saving it in my notebook! Thanks Kim for such insight!
Kim, I love this post. I teach a high school girls Sunday School class and each year, I have them to make similar lists. The books you mentioned will be helpful.
I have 2 daughters, and it never occurred to me to have them make their lists before high school, but oh how appropriate. My husband and I pray often that our girls will find husbands that have a heart for God. I began praying that prayer since pregnant with my first. Thank you!
Post a Comment
<< Home