Friday, February 29, 2008
Practical Steps to Courting/Dating
After reading *Her Hand In Marriage*, we have seen the benefits of being very involved in our daughter's life as she begins seeing that a courtship/marriage relationship is approaching us. What a wonderful time in her life! We are looking forward to it...not dreading it at all. God has a beautiful plan for her life and we want to welcome it with open arms...while exhibiting discernment and careful examination throughout the process.
Douglas Wilson gives great practical advice on how to actually do the courtship thing. It does not mean the couple can never do anything alone...which some may think. I wanted to explain how it actually takes place with the father being the one who oversees it all. I will simplify what the author states:
This lays at all out very well. I like the fact that even though we call it a courtship...it is going on dates,too. So, I like to call it Christan dating or courting.
There is one thing I would like to stress at this point. Usually dating puts more emphasis on the horizontal relationship between the guy and girl...but in this type of courting format, there is a lot of emphasis on the vertical relationship with God. For any marriage to be a good biblical marriage God must be honored above all. So, the best thing a young man or young woman can do is make sure that their relationship with God is right. They should be preparing for marriage by obeying God's Word and learning to live by God's commands. They should be learning to love their neighbor as Jesus did. They should be learning the roles of husband and wife. They can be learning to follow Jesus in their world. Christians are to prepare for marriage by learning to subdue their pride, put others first, and to have self control in all areas of their life. The best preparation for marriage is Christian living. This can be observed in a suitor and watching him grow in Christ can be such a wonderful thing.
Douglas Wilson gives great practical advice on how to actually do the courtship thing. It does not mean the couple can never do anything alone...which some may think. I wanted to explain how it actually takes place with the father being the one who oversees it all. I will simplify what the author states:
1) If a daughter has no interest in a young man, she can simply refuse him. She does not have to say *talk to my father first*.
2) If he is an acquaintance and more serious, or she is interested in him, then she should ask him to talk with her father.
3) The father should hear the young man out. If the father knows he will not give permission, then he should graciously deny the young man's request to get to know his daughter better.
4) If he thinks the young man has potential, then he should thank him and tell him he will get back with him in a few days.
5) He should always be very gracious with the young man...afterall, this is a hard thing to do for the guy. He is probably scared and a little nervous!
6) The father should pray about it and discuss it with his wife and daughter. The daughter may not even be interested, so that will help the dad know how to handle it. If that is the case, the father should get back with the suitor and tell him no. He should be gracious and firm. This is protection for his daughter...she does not have to explain why and all.
7) If the daughter is interested, then the young man will have permission to spend time with the family for a while.
8) If this goes well, then the father may allow time alone for them. Examples may be dinner out, a hike, visit to the park...out for coffee or dessert. Some people call this a date. The point is not how many times this is allowed, but rather or not the father is being judicious and responsible. Sometimes, it might be foolish to allow dates, other times, it may be wise.
9) If the family is still impressed with the young man, more and more alone time may be allowed while still under the father's oversight. These times should be in accountable settings..at home or on dates...not 6 hours alone who knows where. He will be accountable to the father.
10) If it becomes obvious that the young man is not suitable, then the father will talk with him. It is the father's duty to explain this to him.
11) Obviously, a young man will not go through all of this unless he is seriously considering marriage...so at some point he may ask the father for his daughter's hand in marriage...if everyone agrees, he can propose to her and begin planning the wedding.
This lays at all out very well. I like the fact that even though we call it a courtship...it is going on dates,too. So, I like to call it Christan dating or courting.
There is one thing I would like to stress at this point. Usually dating puts more emphasis on the horizontal relationship between the guy and girl...but in this type of courting format, there is a lot of emphasis on the vertical relationship with God. For any marriage to be a good biblical marriage God must be honored above all. So, the best thing a young man or young woman can do is make sure that their relationship with God is right. They should be preparing for marriage by obeying God's Word and learning to live by God's commands. They should be learning to love their neighbor as Jesus did. They should be learning the roles of husband and wife. They can be learning to follow Jesus in their world. Christians are to prepare for marriage by learning to subdue their pride, put others first, and to have self control in all areas of their life. The best preparation for marriage is Christian living. This can be observed in a suitor and watching him grow in Christ can be such a wonderful thing.
I am a stay at home mother to 4. I am very blessed to have a godly husband who loves the Lord and his family. I welcome the days of much needed grace,the times of sweet victories,and the tears of trials,knowing it is all for God's glory. I want my lifesong to sing to Him,the author and finisher of my faith. Soli Deo Gloria--To the Glory of God alone.
11 Comments:
Wonderful tangible examples of how this plays out in the "real world". So many of us are parenting through courtship dating for the first time with our generation, without the benefit of our parents to ask for guidance. We depend on one another for biblical counsel and it is especially helpful when others have been done that road and can give such valuable advice! Thank you so much :)
I am going to link your posts on this subject matter on my blog, if that's alright.
Blessings Kim!
While not quite as "formalized," this is very similar to my relationship with my husband before we married. He consulted my father and asked his permission at each step. Our time together was 90% of the time spent with my family (his lived in another state and we met when I was a senior in college and he in grad school). That other 10% was going out to dinner or college ministry activities from church. In fact, the first time we went to a movie together was after we were engaged. We were much more interested in talking and getting to know one another. He is the first person I "dated," and while it felt like a long time of waiting for God to bring him into my life, it was perfect. God protected my heart SO much by keeping other boys/men at more of a distance. He is my first (and only) everything, and we have just delighted in being married the past 2.5 years. :)
Blessings to you and your husband (and daughters) as you seek to lead them through this time,
Becca
What a wonderful testimony to God's goodness in your lives! That was very encouraging!!!
Joshua Harris, author of I kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship.
Calls it "dating with a purpose." He says it is dating with the purpose to see if two friends can become lifelong lovers.
I've really enjoyed reading his Boy Meets Girl book recently.
I have friends who practice courtship. Their daughter was soooo happy because a boy asked her out, she didn't like him, and she said, "I have to ask my dad." He said, "no", of course, and she was happy. I love the protection it gives.
I agree with Kim. It's helpful to have others going before us to see how they handle this with their teens.
I really like the list, it explains things clearly.
After reading this post I have come to the conclusion that I have been "Christian dating or courting" for almost THREE YEARS now! WOW! I would, however, like to really stress the involvement of the father keeping the young man accountable, especially as the relationship progresses. I am very thankful that my dad has no reservations about talking to my (hopefully) future husband and keeping him accountable.
Wonderful post, Kim! Thanks!
These posts are so helpful..even being on the "boy" end of it all!
..as far as your last post. Good info. A friend of mine, a girls camp director, had received a copy before it went to press and skimmed it and thought it looked good and, like you was very excited about it. I will have to send her this post.
This is wonderful info for me as we begin to look at the coming teen years with our kids. I so appreciate your wise, Biblical counsel in this area!
I liked your posts on this subject. This was great insight from the girls' point of view. I am the mother of 2 boys and am having a difficult time finding any good books or articles on the boy's role in Christian courtship. Do you have any suggestions? My boys are still very young, but we want to be prepared.
I really enjoy your blog!
Sally
*Boy Meets Girl* and *I Kissed Dating Goodbye*, both by Joshua Harris are for both...girls and boys...however, I would recommend the age of at least 13-15 because of the content.
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